all she wants is a home away from home

I'm not going to lie. My heart is aching, maybe that's why there are three posts today. first one of peace, second of confusion and third of seeking. My suitcases are all stacked up in a corner, and I'm longing to go home, but... of course, I don't know where that is.
I read my first post on this blog a few weeks ago, it was about going to Chile. Funny how I was thinking of going there and so many things happened a long the way. I think it is ironic, that after so much hesitation, that I went there and fell in love with that country and now I am just waiting for the chance to go back.
What is stopping me really? I think it is a thing called growing up. I do not want to be dependent on my parents as I used to be. Even though I had already lived far from home for a year, I still needed their support. It was hard not having family near by and it is still hard here as well. There are days that I cannot believe how solitary I am, how I even manage to do half of the things I do on my own. Sometimes I wonder at my own strength, because what else can I call this? Stubbornness? Laziness?
I am always looking for something and I never find it, so I keep going. I get discouraged every week, then something happens, and there I am again, facing my demons and coming back really defeated. today I looked for help and advice and got a kick in the face. I can't really explain why I left, partly because I was encouraged to leave and mostly because I wanted to run. Which is something I do very well.
I am such a mixture of optimism and negativity, that I am not sure how I do it. I used to have rose-colored glasses and was sure I was going to be amazing enough to change the world. I have 21 years on my back and I am already so tired. You have no idea how tired. I guess a lot of people are, if you think about it, I do not know how it does not show on my face.
So here I am, once again, seeking, do you hear me? Because I really am no Job, if I were, I would have waited with more patience. Yet, I know, your love is better than life. I just need to feel it seep through my bones, and ignite them.


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